This general idea helps me. I'm not of the opinion God is a He or Father, but I allow 'each to their own' and Live & Let Live to prevail. Rather, the general idea of 'serenity' as a gift of humility which is granted, I find useful. That's why IMO we ASK for it in the Serenity Prayer. Serenity comes from not my opinion of others, their opinion of me, or even my opinion of myself.
I realized somewhere along the line that the only time I am unhappy is when God or someone else ain't doin' it MY way. That convenient truth allows me to laugh! The gift of laughter keeps many of us who are 'in the trenches' with bombs of life dropping everywhere, to rise above it all.
Know It All
Selective reasoning is the cancer of all human history and excuses 'excuses' in both high and low places. Listening is an underutilized art that chisels no fat from the carcass of truth, but rather traces death back to life, and calls it 'Resurrection.'
It's easy, to be honest, and wrong, or dishonest and right. It's easy to get away with the misplacement of commas in one's own listening 'skills' and throw-away one's freedom to the plains of hesitation to die a taxpayers death upon the fields of peace, falling one's personal sword of truth.
I AM neither a tax-collector nor a truth-collector. It is not until the attachment to truth dies a hideous death that we win our freedom over life. In other words and more familiar terms we've all experienced, 'everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it,' like the inside of a coffin when the oxygen is thinning.
The shell holding the truth passes away and the spirit of what we've been lead by from the moment of our birth forward becomes visible. We 'see the light' and awaken, and sometimes, have the misfortune to return to this world and feel the entirety of our pain while being 100% that it all means something more than anything we've had installed in our minds with previously. Earth School is a often painfully beautiful classroom.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Proper Amends: Matching Actions & Words
Some people are too arrogant to say, "I'm sorry" out loud, in front of people.
In 1980 or 81, a man I knew (RIP) lead by example. One fine day in Super Max, he reamed a Lieutenant for a couple of minutes, in front of witnesses, maybe 50 people or more. He called him out on his bad behavior and made no bones about the exact nature of his wrongs. The Lieutenant listened without arguing, then walked away when the man had his say.
To the man's credit, when he found out it was NOT the Lieutenant who committed the infraction, he took action. He apologized OUT LOUD, IN FRONT OF THE PEOPLE who he accused him before.
He said, "I owe you amends and the only way to begin to make this right is to apologize to you in front of the people I hurt you in front of." This was the only time in years that I saw tears well up in the Lieutenant's eyes.
So, sometimes words are powerful actions. Some people need to hear the words, "I love you", while others need to see it. Some refuse to speak the Love Language of others because they selfishly think their way is the ONLY way.
The world is built or destroyed with words. Words followed up with action, balanced language, and human experience yields to inclusivity.
Masks of Superiority
CULT (one definition is the chain of bondage): NOT like me. Not LIKE me. Not like ME. All ego BS. Born Again Atheists slam religion 'religiously'. Just say NO! to Agnostic Bigots burning metaphorical question-marks on your yard! Hating the Haters is gaining ground on the Slippery Slope. People that give their ego power to disdain others, who feed & breeds their personal brand of superiority, whatever it might be, are practicing bigotry. What we are all wanting at the end of the day is self-acceptance. We can't disdain others without disdain staining our hearts.
Many are Called, but Few Pick Up the Phone
But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be forgiven or at worst, punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more, will be required.
I've come to understand (or believe) that the person who has faith without experience has reached the pinnacle of success. My lungs were healed with a touch and a prayer. Those that believe and live without such evidence, are already blessed. Knowledge can destroy faith. Once we KNOW something, living in pure acceptance, living in the Mystery, might dissipate.
To experience a miracle and to still have faith is a miracle in itself. Awareness is a GIFT of open mindedness.
The Set Aside Prayer asks that we set aside everything we think we know, so we can receive. Who pours living water into a closed container? Don't let your knowledge become your prison. Let the dead serve as composted fertilizer for the living.
40th Anniversary for Little Timmy, the Meaning of Family, and "Indian Time" in Recovery
So, today I began my meditative day by reading instead of writing, saving the latter for later. Now I am writing. It seemed fitting to read what a dad in recovery did to be in the life of his son, and then the story of a mom in recovery who put her family back together, too.
The experience of learning while reading was multidimensional if you will; to absorb their respective stories and digest them helped me.
Coming from a broken family, my mom being a drunk and putting us in a dysfunctional foster family (sexual and other forms of abuse were present) and my never knowing my dad, I have never had a feeling of a family outside of 'The Program.' I have a niece who is present in my life, and for that, I am humbled.
As to the stories I read, it was cool to celebrate a parent in recovery who stepped-up to love and care for their children. I can today celebrate this without remorse or a sense of loss or longing. How can one reasonably miss something they didn't have? One can miss a 'concept' of what they were 'supposed' to have or feel an infectious absence when they see other people enjoying family, but truly there's nothing wrong. It's not what happened to us in life that matters. It's what we do with it. Life can either polish us or make us disintegrate, dependant on the power within us that realigns our consciousness, mixed with a willingness to look for higher messages.
Why one person is aware of miracles while another person is aware of only pain, is evidence of a power unrelated to chance.When the miracle of awareness keeps pouring into the one life but not the other. Miracles happen every day in EVERYONE'S life, but why one person sees it, and another doesn't, well, that's the evidence.
Another dimension of my life includes today, August 15th, 1977, as the date I removed a child from a loving families' life by driving a stolen car under the influence. His name was Timothy Wilborn, AKA, Little Timmy. Today is the 40th "Anniversary" of that horrific day. He was six-months-old the day I heard his baby stroller beneath the car.
The parents I read about in recovery re-birthed their families and made a living amends. 'But one can't make a direct amends to someone who is dead,' I said to my Mary Jo Robinson, my Spiritual Advisor (she preferred that term to Sponsor). Mary Jo Robinson was a mom whose son was killed by a drunk driver, so I listened when she said I could make indirect amends. She got me in MADD, and I still work to turn tragedy into a story of hope by speaking.
But what of Sherrie, the mother of Little Timmy? Can I resurrect her son and make amends to her? No, but she told me she forgives me and loves me. She also said she is pleased I am keeping Little Timmy's memory alive and doing so honorably. She tells "our story" about the tragedy and how God moved her to a deep place of forgiveness, doing for her what she couldn't do for herself. Mary Jo did the same thing, and both women had Catholicism in their lives. I've always said that no one does forgiveness like a Catholic (Buddist comes close, though). Forgiveness is a miracle.
Yes, today is a day where I will probably 'hit a meeting.' "On the Red Road" meets at the Minneapolis American Indian Center, 7PM, "Indian Time", is OK. But the front doors of the building are locked after the meeting starts. There is a buzzer and someone will come down to open the door for you, but it's best to be there before 7.
Lais·sez-faire and Crapitalism; Baby & the Bathwater
Let's not throw out the baby with the bath water. Lais·sez-faire is the baby and capitalism has been masked with chemicals to smell of freedom. In case you forgot, freedom has nothing to do with money. Even if it did, 'money ain't for nothin' if your chick's for free'. Freedom is Beautiful.
Stop signs are for those that don't know what it means, like numbers on pool balls, it's TMI but with laws. An attitude of letting things take their own course, without interfering, in foreign to the control freaks of the world. But of course, those unable to control themselves cannot be touched by the ones whom they wrong, as it's illegal. Release the consequences to nature and see a more peaceable world.
Everything serves a purpose, including laws, but the purpose has little or nothing to do with the laws themselves. They are symbolic of respect. Respect the law and see what happens. I bet it turns out better than you might have guessed.
Key to Riches: Dig for Gold or Sell Picks & Shovels? Willingness to Go to Any Lengths to Recover
The only constant I've noticed with those who recover is a willingness to go to any lengths. It's not, IMO, about what OTHERS believe or don't believe. That's just an excuse to continue a life based upon resentments and blame, finger-pointing, saying, "I can't get sober because of you!" AKA, Whiners Anonymous. I Chartered W.A. myself, BTW, so I ain't judg'n, I'm just sayin'.
Never take yourself too seriously. I am in charge of what I say' others are in charge of what they hear. The same applies to sight, taste, feeling, philosophy, religion, Agnosticism, etc.
Surrendered Hearing might be the ultimate form of responsibility and the key to being at peace with everyone and everything.
"Boredom comes from a boring mind" is what the lead singer of Metallica pointed out. The first cousin to this idea is something I heard at Gopher State Roundup from a Friend of Lois W. She said that the only time she was unhappy was when God or someone else wasn't doing things HER way.
Yeah, if we are thinking about what we don't want or don't like, we get MORE of it. People have to burn it into their consciousness, if necessary, that they can get well regardless of anything or anyone (that or let their lives crash and burn). One hits their bottom when they quit digging.
If you don't like something I say or do, take it up with God. God is the reason I am still alive and attending Earth School both as the Eternal Student and the Occasional Teacher. Either way, "Relax". I ain't your problem or solution. It's none of my business what others think of me, and to avoid hypocrisy, I admit it is none of my business what I think of myself, either.
There is a peace that surpasses all comprehension. May you find it now and quit thinking.
Crapitalist Multitasking: No Ego Left Behind
In my career to date, I embarrassingly admit having lost two positions of employment due to my "inability to multitask." That is to say; I possessed the unwillingness to perform the work of more than one person at a time in the interest of "profit" at the expense of my emotional well-being. I either have a diabolical delusion as to the purported divinity of Crapitalism, or I am guilty of a simple aversion to avarice.
To those that swear by the pseudo-supremacy of multitasking, maybe I owe you amends. Unfortunately for this writer, it is scientifically arguable that males generally have an innate inability to perform multitasking, while females can punk slap Janus with the eight arms of Shiva.
Why? Primarily, women possess more White Matter in the brain than men. White Matter matters, because it allows both hemispheres of ones’ brain to more successfully interact and ‘semi-function,' together, as ONE unit. Semi-function? I say this with an agenda (drum roll) hear that? It's the sound of a Zenlike ONE EGO Clapping, with the sublingual taste of severe, tongue-in-cheek ruminating-arthritis plastering my tasteless buds, AKA, jealousy.
Money used to be our servant, but shortly after its creationistic death imbued our societal soul with sadistic justifications and war, many of us became its slave.
Because schizophrenic-multitasking has dominated the professional landscape of the American psyche, t takes courage to stand in front of an armed ego and tell the truth.
Studies have been done to combat the fallacies of multitasking, but who is listening? The weapons of mass distraction prevail upon this male mind? Naw, I just have two creative sides of my brain that argue about everything.
Washing Blood with Blood
If you read all of this, some of you will, some won't be mad. Oh well. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. I'm in charge of what I say (pray then talk), you are in charge of what you hear (pray, then listen). Relax, God's in charge.
In case anyone missed this or forgot it today: “And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone.”
How about this: “In everything give thanks.”
Or this: “There is One who has all power.”
Or, “Resentment is the number one offender” and “we had a thinking problem.”
More: “We ask God to direct our thinking.”
And: “Forgive those who” …finish the sentence and you lose your reward of peace because it’s an endless answer masked and echoed by countless delusions of who is right and who is wrong. Republicans/Democrats, racists/non-racists, men’s groups/women’s groups, Christians & OTHERS (or vice-versa), gay/straight, skinny/fat, vegan/omnivore, rock/classical, cats/dogs, green/purple, north/south, clear skin/pimples, blue eye devils/monkeys, sober/not sober, victim/perpetrator, criminal/cop, good/evil, and all the ways we separate.
Whatever our defects of character, if we have asked God to remove them, yet they remain, then understand they still serve a purpose. The same is true with all of the ills of the world, real or imagined. They serve a purpose and will remain until that purpose has culminated in love. If we love our defects, ironic as it might sound, our defects get weaker; they relax into a state of peacefulness. We become the “hole in the doughnut.” If we FIGHT our errors or the shortcomings of others, they get stronger. Push on someone’s defense, and resistance is usually a certainty. Feeding the dark side makes it stronger.
“Love you enemies” were the three words that cleared a church I attended of about one-third of the Parishioners. That Pastor put God over money. I was amazed.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
The old Zen saying, "You cannot wash off blood with blood," refers to the conviction that it is difficult to control thoughts with other thoughts. Let Go, Let Go. But as it is with most humans, most of the things we let go off had claw marks all over it.
In Kempo, a study I embraced in my youth, they had a saying: "Who teaches Kempo? God teaches Kempo."
What Would You Change From Your Past, If Anything?
Someone asked on Facebook, "If you could change just one thing in your younger years, what would that be..?" While on principle I don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, there are two things I would have done well to do differently, to wit:
1) To have been "strong enough" to learn new words. I was mercilessly bullied for my vocabulary at a young person. Like a wussy, I broke down crying and promised myself to never learn another new word for the rest of my life. I did not read ANYTHING for one solid year. I used to sit with dictionaries, encyclopedias, read many books on many subjects, but then stopped. Ridiculous decision. I didn't have any friends or role models, was extremely introverted (diagnosed Autistic) and never told anyone anything about my real issues in life. Oh well, water over the dam. Can't change the past.
2) Maybe the one other thing I would do differently is not throw away 10-years of journaling and writing poetry. That was maybe eight (?) years ago I made that decision. A moment of insanity to toss a couple hundred pounds of writing in a dumpster.
“Writing is both masking and unveiling.” EB White. Going into Deep Beauty Ain't Always Easy, But It's Worth It
QUOTEWORTHY & TRUSTWORTHY
"At some point, I believe one has to stop holding back for fear of alienating some imaginary reader or real relative or friend and come out with personal truth.” May Sarton
“WRITING IS BOTH MASKING AND UNVEILING.” EB WHITE.
If we live in the moment with purity of heart, what 'then'?
Then those difficult memories that plague us will disintegrate, as we become stronger than the impurity distrust.
I'm pretty sure most of us know just what it means to be hurt and lose trust, as ‘once bitten, twice shy’ is a common thread on Earth School. It is "normal" to feel guarded or hyper-vigilant after experiencing trauma, but Earth School is often confused with Drama School.
Drama School: pain and control issues are the professors and trying to force solutions (toward a better world) is the curriculum. Being conditioned in the dramatic tradition, we ‘cave’ to pain, whereas Earth School just offers lessons to explore. To reverse pain, we take back our power and live in the mystery.
OK, time to get personal. My past abuse 'happened, ' and human trust eroded; the good news is that I don't have to trust people when I trust the lesson. If you are one of those who believes people need to earn your trust, you’ll balk. We love each other as we are. Everyone has defects, shortcomings, and practice varying degrees of hypocrisy in our respective areas of life, if we are honest and admit it. Lack of trust in people is giving your power away. You’re letting people live rent-free in your head. Evict them!
The world is addicted to judgment, but we don't have to let it kill our hearts. Keeping one's heart open after experiencing trauma, and open to pain, is not always easy, but the outcome outweighs the risk. The worst pain, grief, is both painful and beautiful because it's also evidence of love. People who don't grieve, don't love.
Pain burns us down to raw existence; it disintegrates all of the impurities from our lives, the removal of which can be excruciating. But the raw beauty of one who prevails discovers who they are thereby uncovered, allowing us to see others as we truly are. When we see ourselves clearly, we see others with pure clarity. Trust restored to its right size; the ego-state goes to sleep.
GOING INTO MYSTERIOUS BEAUTY AIN'T ALWAYS EASY, BUT IT'S TRUSTWORTHY
Here are four more quotes from May Sarton to help digest the meal:
"It always comes back to the same necessity: go deep enough, and there's a bedrock of truth, however hard."
“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be."
"Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace."
"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.”
Stinking Thinking and Opening Windows
"Disintegrating Stereotypes & Discriminatory Structure" for ANYONE help EVERYONE! One for all and all for one!
Thinking about things we don't like or don't want is insane. It's like studying the problem and forgetting the solution.
Ironically, a solution needs a problem to thrive upon. When the problem has been digested, the solution should die a peaceable death. If I'm not offended in the first place, there's nothing to forgive.
Watch this video by William L. White! Good stuff! https://vimeo.com/72542240
Drug Overdoses, Suicides, and Excessive Drinking Rising for White Females
Per the Washington Post 2016, across the country, middle-aged white women are dying at staggeringly higher rates, particularly from drug overdoses, suicides, and excessive drinking.
Women have always been caretakers for others, but who will help the helpers help themselves? "US Suicide Rate Soars In 21st Century - Up 80% For Middle-Aged White Women"!
Asking for help is never easy, but don't believe everything you think when you're hurting. Put your heart and life in the hands of our Creator and the people directed to your path. 'You have not because you ask not' is sometimes the issue, but listening is an art. There's many ways to ask but if we are not listening, we might miss the question.
Strange Satirical Songs, but Deadly Serious
So I get on Facebook and right away see a friend whose dad is beating the odds with cancer again. Another friend who lost someone to cancer was the next in line on the Feed. Next post in the feed was a friend who said either he's gonna get better or die. Ironic Arrangement is a Bouquet Called Life & Death.
It's amazing to me how we all uniquely respond to life & death and all the in-betweens.
Why was I healed through prayer while others were not healed, despite fervent prayer?
Why have others driven under the influence and never killed anyone, but I did?
I found it strangely satirical hearing people say in meetings or after MADD talks, "I'm glad I never killed anybody," never thinking twice about why 'some do, and some don't' and how we are never different from one another, regardless of what we have done or not done. Our actions were or are the same, and in fact, we are the same, but the outcomes are different.
WAAC is a realistic website addressing the paradigm of freedom and guilt uncaught. One person 'gets away with it' (driving under the influence) and become a judge, legislator, cop, or Governor. I've talked to County Attorneys while privately admit alcoholism has impacted their lives (yes, plural), but they did what they had to do and recovered. BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, THERE GO I. You know, that sort of thing.
August 15, 1977, after killing Little Timmy, I was in jail. The men in the cells next to mine were all screaming the words, “BABBY KILLER” at me. But they were so drunk that they could barely pronounce “baby killer.” The only difference, perhaps between them and me, is that they didn’t have to make an alcohol-impaired decision while they were driving their vehicles when a mother pushing a stroller across the street was in front of their car. Who knows why anything? I'm not sure if WHY is even relevant until our heart and mind become reverent to life on life’s terms.
They say in prison that you find out who your friends are after you get in trouble. People’s lives go on, and you are buried alive in the Tomb of Isolation, awaiting your turn at the resurrection. Being alone is traumatic for people, but it's also the norm that they themselves have set up and enabled. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But there seems to be a Cumulative Breakthrough Effect which I will symbolically call, “BCE,” Before the Common Era when we go from ME to WE and choose to climb into the pit with love, that pure consciousness where Miracles are Born.
Song Time: “And this is for the questions that don't have an answer, and all my heroes at the methadone clinics, I said it's all good, and it's all in fun, now get in the pit and try to love someone” ~ Kid Rock sang these lyrics in, “Bawitdaba”, but it was Written by Jason Edward Krause, David James N Parker, Robert J. N Ritchie, Sylvia N Robinson, Matthew L. N Shafer • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
I was at a funeral yesterday. They played the same song as I heard at the last funeral I attended, titled, “I Can Only Imagine.” I wanted to sing to it in the second funeral but didn’t want to be the only one singing, feeling it would be deemed disrespectful and draw negative, judgmental attention to myself when in reality, I SHOULD ALWAYS SING THE SONG THAT’S INSIDE OF ME. I don’t have to ‘belt it out.' I can practice temperament or power under control and sing quietly; worst case scenario, I can sing silently, “Like a Prayer” (Madonna).
Oh, the other way of knowing who your friends are, is…do they listen? Do they get quiet when you ask for help or offer help? Listen to life, because it loves you even when it doesn’t go your way. I love you. Pass it on.
Trusting Oneself is a Form of Narcissism
There's nothing new under the sun or the moon. Intellectual property is a symptom of twisted expectation, akin to the idea of owning land, animals, or a partner being "mine", or a race being "my race".
Ownership separates us. Funny how that works. If we spend as much time on the page of 'others' to help them and less time on our own page to help ourselves, that would be a good start. Are we on the same page?
But what happens when helping ourselves IS helping others? Does anyone support that idea, or even notice it?
Victim Mentality Issues is like trust issues. There is ONE who has ALL Power. I don't have to trust humans or even trust myself. Trusting myself is a form of Narcissism. How's this for an example of selfishness? "You need to EARN my trust!" It is slightly less problematic to say, "You need to earn my DISTRUST".
Trusting others is giving away the resolve I've given to my Higher Power and giving it to others. If annoyed, I took my eyes off of the prize and the same applies to a lifelong habit of sadness.
Creating a New Default comes from surrender, RECOVERING what we already are and always have been. We stand between two mirrors, one being the future, the other, the past. To change the past and future, MOVE or SHIFT your position.
Adjusting one's position changes everything beyond the paradox of time and space. That's why we can pray for the past because the One with all power doesn't find time and space "an issue".
The Balancing Element of Honesty, Like a Diamond, is Multifaceted
Suspending judgment is a skill few seem to have acquired, the acquisition of which limits the suspension and therefore the conclusions emanating from it. BUT IT'S THE TRUTH! LOL!
Once upon a time, when I was in my early 20's, I accidentally(?) had a genius befriend me. I remember being 100% certain of a thing I knew as The Truth, then to my utter dismay, I was blessed by the Universe, through this person, to have irrefutable proof that I was actually 100% wrong. The very next day, the exact same lesson presented itself about another truth that I 100% knew to be true. The difference between day one and two was what I did because of the experience.
To date, even when I am 100% certain of a thing and to coin the lyrics of a song, "the only thing I know is I don't know a thing".
There's no such thing as knowledge; there's only perception. At least it's just my perspective or opinion. The balancing element to honesty is open mindedness and a willingness to listen. People who know something don't listen. Knowledge kills faith and belief.
Anything more or less than keeping it simple tends toward karmic entanglement (if such a thing exists). Loving others as I love myself removes the "others" and we are One.
Life is a mystery. As Emily Dickinson said, "I dwell in possibility." Truth without a passion for paradox is dead.
Who Are the REAL Role Models in Life?
As I've said on so many occasions, "In God's Economy, nothing is wasted." It is no wonder that God aligns our lives in such a way as to design Higher Constructions of Consciousness, targeting the Highest Good (Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven).
In the book I recently published, I did not want to reread and edit many of the events I wrote about because objectivity was difficult. I just hope the writings make sense to people in a way that brings healing.
I know this will sound odd, but I think we all have Sacred Contracts and God Calls those of us who are STRONG to endure the most pain. We are not strong like the world defines strong, but strong in our capacity to endure our own vulnerability without giving up.
Writing helped me, some privately and some publicly and mostly through poetry penned in darker days, to survive deep angst. The poetry was for me and it made little sense to others or even myself, but it helped me prevail, to not give up.
I immersed myself in prayer and pain, reading and writing, for 3 1/2 years. It burned away everything this world had to offer, leaving behind love, only love.
That is not to say I achieved sainthood or some silly thing. Being human, I experience plenty of "moments" when I don't measure up to anything remotely resembling a Role Model in any classic sense.
For me, the greatest Role Models are the REAL people who struggle and still love.
Good Cop, Bad Cop
I wish I had been videoing the day I remember being on Franklin Avenue near Cedar when an off-duty cop stopped on the side of the road, got out of his car in uniform, and approached a Native American who had his backpack and contents spread out on the grass. It was evident he had been drinking, but to my knowledge, he was not bothering anyone. When the guy saw the cop coming his way, he started jamming things back in his backpack, anticipating trouble. Like him, I too assumed the cop was going to give the guy shit, but actually, the cop looked calm with no authority in his step (such things are hard to describe, but you can just tell).
Anyway, I noticed the cop had something in his hand, which turned out to be a sandwich wrapped in cellophane. He gave the guy the sandwich.
They looked at each other for a couple of seconds, like a sacred connection took place. I saw the guy relax, look at the sandwich and back at the cop. His lips looked like he said, "Thank you." I cop gave him a gentle smile, turned around and walked back to his car.
It was a moment I'll always treasure in my memory.