Letter to My Friend who Lost His Son to a Drunk Driver 25 Years Ago, May 4th

Seems a lifetime ago we met, Jon, and a day I'll always remember.  Your ability to love was deeper than death and stronger than pain. Still is.  I myself don't know how to go on and I also don't know how to quit.  I remember a cop telling me I should have been fried in the electric chair after hearing me speak.  A school superintendent once called me an idiot after hearing me speak.  I have so many stories I could tell about such comments, but a wise woman (Sue K.) who lost her son told me (after I said her pain was so much worse than mine), that "Grief ain't a contest."  God, she, you, Sharon GD & Sharon B. and so many others helped lend me the strength to carry on, One Day At A Time (one second at a time for the first 8 years of speaking).  Serenity to accept things we cannot change is a collective miracle that we experience both alone and together. 

Phillip's pin that you gave me on the day we met is never far from me in my home office.  Neither is the Bible I cried on for years in my personal monastery (prison).  The collective miracle is the cumulative impact we make upon society.  Audiences ingest 'time release' pills that take years to digest (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly).  Leaving indelible impressions upon human hearts is no easy task CULTURALLY.  But as I said before, knowing how to quit or carry on is a mystery.  Metaphorically speaking, 'Losing our Speaking Notes' is invaluable when expressing our innermost power.

No one knows what another person has to do with what has happened to them. No one knows what another human being needs on their Sacred Journey.  If we knew ahead of time what our Sacred Journey would cost us, most of us would certainly ‘opt out’, but that’s not the way life works.  Why ‘it happens’ to some of us and others have ‘close calls’ and no consequences is a mystery to me.  Maybe we have Sacred Contracts that only God comprehends.  Maybe Phillip, Little Timmy, and the hundreds of others we know about through our nearly three decades of speaking, are sitting in a circle and sending us their loving protection as we tell our stories.

I know this will sound crazy but I don’t care what it sounds like.  A man who lost his wife was speaking about a year after losing her to a drunk driver.  I saw a light open heaven over his shoulder and CLEARLY saw her face radiating with a loving smile upon him.  His grief was more than palpable, and this grief so many of us know so well, but we are never without our loved ones.  Love keeps the veil thin and while grief is proof of love, and we feel like we are dying or want to die, if we give up then when someone needs to hear our story and live (not having to go through it themselves), then we have accomplished something Eternal. 

I decided to live when feeling suicidal not because of what my life would or could look like, but because if I gave up, then I couldn’t help the people who are also feeling this grief to NOT give up, too.  I can’t help them if I’m dead.  The Itty-Bitty Shitty-Committee in my head showed up to argue this point for the those first eight years I mentioned earlier, until a miracle happened and I quit making anger (FOR ME, anger turned inward) stronger than God. 

History Repeating Itself & Multiple Personality Russian Roulette Syndrome

Nothing really profound here. Just felt like writing a bit.

OK, maybe humans are just plain crazy, but figure out their path, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. It's our beauty that's crazy. Sometimes we turn beauty into judgment, the projection eventually becomes an addiction (Buddhist's prefer the term Attachment), which turns inward and then acts OUT. The voting block in one's head thinks voting matters, then the trouble begins.

There is a center ground between every belief or lack of belief. Common Ground is a starting point. They say (well, someone said, who I don't know for sure), that those who don't study history are 'doomed' to repeat it.

But Zig Ziglar said repetition is the Mother of all Learning.

Prison & Loving Deeper than Pain

People have no idea how bad it really is in some places. You know they say one can 'unsee' a thing? Yeah, that, no matter how much one evolves in the right direction, memories still come up without warning. Most people hear a certain common, everyday phrase and think nothing of it, while others remember something that is REALLY normal. Keeping one's heart soft is a daily task requiring much focus. See the cell above? Try to see it without feces and urine everywhere, with the man covered in his own excrement, hidden away where few get to see him. See the man getting dinner with feces spread underneath his brownie, or mixed in with his gravy (one needed to hunt for the poop in every meal in the psych unit). Imagine a man being tied down and screaming while guard beat on his feet with billy clubs. Imagine seeing your friend's face all swollen after being handcuffed in a chair and having three canisters of mace emptied into his face and eyes. Imagine a man handcuffed in a chair while a guard takes pliers to his nose, breaking it (he later authored a part of the prison newspaper and his segment was called, "The Nose Knows." Imagine daring to befriend someone with such memories and vice-versa. Imagine being honest in a world where no one believes it. I could go on and on with stories, but they would offend the sensibilities maybe beyond repair. So my gravity holds in the clouds, lightning strikes my earth and thunder roars quietly within. This is why miracles are needed. I am relatively peaceful, thanks to those miracles. The quote about what doesn't kill us makes us stronger is only partly true. What kills us also makes us stronger.

I always wondered why God let me see this part of humanity. I think it was so I could love deeper than the pain.

Evolution and Distance

People often make the mistake of believing the part of themselves, the GOOD part of themselves, is what hates the bad part of themselves, but the truth is contrary.

The part of ourselves that is uncomfortable with what we don't like actually keeps us TRAPPED within the PAYOFF of both hated and hater.

The loving part of ourselves is not ‘weak’; it is not 'signing off on' bad behavior in some sort of twisted permission thereof. It’s not cosigning that part of us that cries out for remedy.

The world is addicted to judgement. The pain we feel that is ‘justified’, shows up with a warrant and arrests us, so we turn around and put the cuffs on ourselves; we feel like we gave up on battling the bad part of ourselves by submitting to the police department inn our minds.

Self-loathing is a cunning, baffling and powerful condition that is itself willing to go to any lengths to keep us trapped. We feel the part that hates ourselves is the GOOD part and if we don't feed it, we think we are giving the BAD part permission to keep doing what we view as wrong.

I wish I could explain this better. Put another way, we tend to forget or not notice what people have done right when we experience what we think they did wrong. I have met thousands of people in my life and I absorbed most of what I sensed about them in the moment. I remember one day in a 12 Step meeting repeating the first name of every person who spoke and repeating what they said in a condensed fashion. I ONLY repeated the good intention parts of what I heard.

How can anyone live with the rationality of experiences as such, especially when they feel the blame of the damage they have experienced, rather than absorb the love they were born to live with?

Fortunately, no one can screw up what and who we are and no one can screw anyone else up, either, without their permission.

I had a bumper sticker on my car that I discovered in early recovery that read, SCREW GUILT. Only a self-saboteur who finally lets the love out or in will fathom the rich relief available in such a moment.

When my heart breaks, light shines out from the cracks. Sometimes the reverse is true, like Leonard Cohen said.

Much pain evolves either up or down, dependent upon the distance between what we are and what we THINK we should be.

Quit thinking.


"Makes Your Wounds You Wisdom" (Apologies or Amends?)

A good friend got me to thinking this morning about the 5 Rules of how to NOT be “used”.

As we refocus our lives, we might swing wildly from extreme-to-extreme either to "make things right" or "not get f'd over again". When I was making amends in early sobriety, I not only apologized, I asked what the people that I f'd over wanted me to do to make it right.

Now, some people wanted me to put my body in an electric chair and I didn't honor their wishes. Forgiveness is my HP's Standard and therefore my standard, as well. Forgiveness of others and forgiveness of myself. But making amends gave me some peace, knowing I tried to make things right from my end. Knowing I 'did time' is also a relief, to some extent, though the damage of the Corruptional Facility and the people running it were pretty wounded and acted out frequently on their wounds.

But like people doing time, everyone is wounded and what we do with our wounds is what matters. Like Oprah said, "Make your wounds into wisdom."

You know, it makes a lot of sense to me that we do not confuse apologies for amends. The chronic repetition of apologies would drive ANYONE crazy after a while. Falling in love with potential ALONE doesn't go far enough, but I love seeing the potential in everything and everybody. I do my level best to love EVERYTHING in my life, even the f'd up parts because we all fall short in some area or other. But I see no future in getting blood from a turnip, either. Getting REAL requires help...higher help IMO...as I believe "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God."

Yes, definitely believe all red flags, but know that the perception of red flags can also be damaged (again, an HP issue for clarity...I pray for my HP to direct my thinking and THEN I ALLOW MYSELF THE FREEDOM TO THINK ACCORDINGLY).

4: Know Your Worth was what took me the longest to get. Worth is an inside job, totally. A wise woman (Friend of Lois, Henrietta) told me to find out who I am and then be who I am. Her brief Elevator Speech turned into a life lesson for me (we were actually waiting for an elevator, actually, which is itself funny, ironically.

5: Don't lower your standards. I refer back to Henrietta again. It's imperative to 'adapt' to life on life's terms with all of its shifts and turns, but I used to be a friggin chameleon. If someone was unhappy with me, I would change ME (or tried to, usually unsuccessfully) to accommodate THEIR perceived interests or demands. This made me sick, really sick. I sometimes think I was trained this way from birth, so I had to REBIRTH myself (with miraculous help, I might add).

More on To Vote or Not To Vote

 Friends who all believe in voting weighed in to encourage voting. I am in the practice of considering both extremes in any important question or position, as well as the center-ground perspective. Think THINK Think. I attend a very conservative church, a very liberal church, and some moderate churches, and then made a decision about what works for me. I attended an Atheist Toastmasters group for a year to learn peacefulness that comes from the inside-out what everyone around me is arguing things I don’t subscribe to (I referred to them as “Born Again Atheists”, because 1) they were as fervent as Born Again Christians, and 2) they wanted to be the only ones who could finger-point at the Born Again concept. I won’t go into all of the settings where I learned to listen to opposing POV’s without judgement, but I practiced this for decades. The following commentary scratches only the surface of what I believe and remember, just because I am arguing a point doesn’t mean I believe it. I’m just trying to grow past my comfort zone.

When an OPEN & FREE debate is routinely practiced in presidential arenas (currently media circuses), including a voice for the Minority Opinion (not just getting their name on the ticket, which most persons bearing minority opinion rarely realized), then I'll believe "voting matters".

Revolutions are fostered through living what one believes (be the change) and historically takes place behind closed doors. The Illusion of Choice is alive and well in America until we get to see behind closed doors. Like they say, “Follow the Money” if you can…which you can’t.

I wish someone had the initiative to stand up and represent the opposing point of view (voting doesn’t matter), even if they don't believe it. No one knows anything about a point of view until they've argued both sides exhaustively.

Grassroots movements are rarely born by ballot. They might get to the ballot box eventually, but by the time it happens, the system that so many people believe in INfiltrates and strains out anything that doesn't make money for the media. Remember that 2% of the world’s population controls 98% of the world’s wealth (or thereabouts). This is possible thanks to voting (IF voting matters).

Let vote to make sexual orientation a constitutional issue, but then have a judge overturn the popular vote through the balances of constitutionality. Let make killing women who have abortions legal by voting like they want to do in Texas. Let’s vote for buying bullets, enough to place one in the head of everyone who does or doesn’t believe in Islam, Communism, Christianity, all in the name of stopping terrorism. Do you think Muslims are not terrorized when the “All Lies” Allies have bombs that I never voted for dropped on them? Where on the ballots does it say, “If you believe in killing your enemy, check yes or no on the respective box?

***I intend to revisit each post here and consider each argument in depth. This will take a while. In life, I have learned more from people who disagreed with me than from those who were “on the same page’ as me. That's what I was really after, POV's that differed from my own.

Fortunately, I didn't expect anyone to shut up or not complain because they don't agree with me. It's not all about me. Self-respect is respect for others as part of who I AM. WE are more than CONSENSUS and the mediocre freedom that grows from such stripped soil.

True Democracy would vote the well-to-do out of their bank accounts, so the rich insulate themselves by skirting the process (off-shore banking) that the average person makes up for in the form of higher taxes. People that vote people into power who vote for war, do not represent faith-based positions, like ‘love your enemies, forgive those who _____ (fill in the blank), 70X7, turn the other cheek, etc.

We don't "get to vote" over Love. We either do it or we don't. If it ain't about Love, it ain't about God. I enjoy the balance between church and state on those extremely rare occasions it actually transpires. So, I'll study everyone's post and THANK YOU AGAIN for taking the time to respond! I Love You! Pass It On! In the meanwhile, "Let them eat cake!"

Don't Waste Your Vote by Voting

Elie Wiesel said, “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”  Maybe so, but the ills of neutrality are not remedied by "voting."

 

Voting is one of the most egregious forms of silence, the end product of which justifies the means to embrace nothing more than lukewarm mediocrity in a rudderless one-person, one vote democracy.

 

If all voices are invited to debate in the electoral process and utilize genuine 'freedom of speech,' then maybe we will be free to 'vote' about where 'our' tax dollars go. That will never happen because politicians either think we are too stupid to know where our tax dollars should go, or they are bribed or pressured by special interests (big money) to disregard the citizenry. To live in this so-called Representative Republic means WE get to decide how we spend our tax dollars, which everyone knows is laughable, because of the exclusionary means in which parties are left howling in the void of media blackball-ism. No money, no voice. 

 

We can all complain to our so-called representatives but said representatives vote upon the size of their paychecks, not us. We don't get to decide if our tax dollars will be used for war or peace. 

 

If all parties represent themselves in a national or local debate, then maybe we have a chance to listen to every perspective and make truly informed decisions.

 

Voting has become about money and nothing more.  Only people looking for a financial windfall run for office, but the aristocracy shuns those who enter the arena with honest motives, or worse yet, ruins their reputations for leaking secrets to the people. 

 

When it comes to U.S. Presidential Elections, I refuse to waste my vote by voting.  Voting for president in this country is an 'illusion of choice' geared to numb the public conscience.

 

So, I have to write an essay on voting, the virtues or the ridiculousness thereof.  Only prominent money democrats or republicans, separate wings of the same bird of prey are allowed to 'run' the country.  The Red Pill or the Blue Pill doesn't include the Green Pill, the Black Pill, the Gay Pill, the White Pill, the Native American Pill, the Strait Pill, the Muslim Pill, the Christian Pill, the Secular Pill, etc. and the ultimate balance of the ballot thereof. 

 

To err is human; to edit is divine, but who gets to write the laws?  Voters?  ROFLMAO!

Phoenix 490 Call for Speakers

Now that I'm starting to heal, albeit 'slowly but surely', I am VERY motivated to get Phoenix 490's show on the road! I'm reaching out to potential speakers.

For those who might not know or recall, Phoenix 490's focus is on forgiveness and healing of relationships, such as victim/offender, police/wounded communities, religion/religion, gay/straight, people going through divorce, etc.).

Would YOU be willing to speak sometime for Phoenix 490 to help us get going?

BTW, Phoenix is an obvious emblem for transmutation & rising from the ashes of tragedy and 490 = 70x7 represents how many times Christ said we are to forgive.

Next week we'll be doing an online ZOOM meeting. If you are willing and able to ZOOM with us, please provide some potential dates for us to meet. Hopefully we'll find a time that will accommodate everyone.

A Plethora of Platitudes?

Universal human rights include freedom of expression and freedom of belief, even if our words or beliefs denigrate the humanity of others. Yet, while we are each free to believe whatever we choose, we cannot do whatever we choose, not in a world where we protect the human rights of all.

One has an inalienable right to be normal (whatever ‘normal’ is, like the proverbial setting on a dryer), AND a right to be moronic OR even bigoted. It is not illegal to be crazy, but it is sometimes illegal to act crazy.

Me, I prefer to quit fighting anything and anybody. I no longer have the time or energy to hate the haters. Hatred in the human heart, no matter if it is directed against a race or against (someone's perception of) "ugly" (it’s hard to even type such a thing…ugh!), a political party, type of car, someone holding a sign, judges, cops, etc. Only being ugly is ugly, but even that warrants forgiveness.

I’m OK with ‘sounding like a broken record’ by repeating this, but here I go again: "Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean” and “Truth without compassion is cruelty.”

Letting go of anger was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life, because I was RIGHT, darn it! We've all heard it by now: “Do you wanna be right, or do you wanna be happy?”

Mary Jo Robinson, a wise old soul (RIP) taught me to, “Never get into a pissin' contest with a skunk!”

KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid (said I to myself with a chuckle).

Peace~

Plants and Humans GROW Toward the Light (On Abuse & Healing)

It's enigmatic to me why some abused people don't become what happened to them and others do. It might seem a hard pill to swallow, but 'In God's Economy, nothing is wasted". The Japanese use gold to repair broken vessels rather than throw the vessels in the trash bin of life.

It occurred to me at some point of my MADD Ministry, probably while contemplative prayer before a speech, that if a plant is placed in a basement with but one small window for sunlight to enter, the plant will grow toward the light, thus perhaps 'bending' its stalk at an extreme angle. Relocating the plant from said basement and placing it in a healthy environment surrounded by plants that 'grew up' in a 'normal' environment will not immediately transform the plant into a healthy looking plant. In time, nature and sunlight will eventually rectify the situation, but typically, the aberrant appearing plant is rejected as weird or strange and is sometimes 'arrested' and relocated back to the basement of life, sometimes doomed to a lifetime of despair over being 'different and damaged'.

Maybe treatment over incarceration would suffice, I don't know, but one thing I believe helps is to stay loving, and to take our power back to love and forgive. In time, most plants heal when surrounded by the sunlight of the spirit.

But in all cases, they are just 'growing toward the light'.

ANGER, RESPONSIBILITY & SELF-FORGIVENESS

I've heard it said that anger is a higher value ("vibration") than self-loathing. I question that. Anger for me feels like the ultimate form of self-loathing. Is anger my own projection? I bet it is, which makes anger 'self' focused; one can take account (-ability) of the rage or passion as the INSIDE-STORY that created it. Our life reflects or expresses the result of our dominant thoughts. “For love is exultant when it unites equals, but it is triumphant when it makes that which was unequal equal in love.” ― Soren Kierkegaard

Can't We All Get Along, The Holy Moment as Expressed by the REAL Rodney King

In my early 20's, I had the good fortune to read, "Myths, Models, and Paradigms: A Comparative Study in Science and Religion," authored by Ian Barbour who won the Templeton Award for his work. He addressed through a Venn Diagram how the bridge of science and the shore of faith can 'co-exist' through the medium of shared language. When science talks to or 'at' religion in the language native to science, the language of faith cannot be accessed (no dialog occurs). Conversely, if religion talks in their native tongue to or 'at' science, then once again, futility reigns supreme. But there is a space wherein both disciplines have a common language, an overlapping area between the two seemingly opposing disciplines. This general idea of common language or experience as a uniting principle intrigued me, and here it is 40 years later, I'm still using the concept. I suspected there are overlaps between all people, systems of thought, and principles, wherein all healing and peace have a chance to thrive, as a Shaman Medicine Woman said, 'in a balance of polarities.'

If the Tower of Babel was real, then I bet the problem was everyone thinking they are unique, they are right, and they clung to this 'separation consciousness' until all communication broke down. In another setting where everyone spoke different languages (Day of Pentecost), they all understood one another through the Universal Gift of the Holy Spirit. The following example might seem like a stretch, but maybe in Quantum Mechanics, the language of spirit is emerging whereby religion and science have an opportunity to live in the present peacefully. Everything is connected, and even the molecules themselves are subject to our prayers (faith) and intentions (science) to know the truth and find mutual freedom.

You know, it seemed an easy thing to look for the good in "others" to look for the overlapping WE SPACE and to move forward from there. It's not the Minnesota Nice head-trip thing whereby we employ passive, polite reservations to arrive at peace with others. Instead, it is leaving our acquired comfort zone and finding our strength through shared vulnerability. It's more than just the art of diplomacy, it is arriving at a state of being teachable. Both science and religion can TRUST themselves enough to trust one another. Go in with a clean slate. The overlap might be dangerous territory and appear quite narrow, but it's the 'biggest small place' in the world. It's the ONLY place where we can all fit together perfectly, but know that the world and its institutions will try to distract you, call you out of the straight and narrow unity, to maintain its addiction to judgment (separation consciousness).

During the most challenging time of my life AKA the Dark Night of the Soul, I had everything burned away from me (the Gift of Fire) that wasn't real, that separated my perception from the Unconditional Grace of God's Love. Hence, the Seneca quote that encapsulates this for me: 'Ignis aurum probat, miseria fortes viros.' Translated: 'Fire is the test of gold; adversity, of strong men.'

My spending 3 & 1/2 years in the ‘Dark Night’ left my old self dead; "Self" emerged. All that was left of 'me' was bare bones or bare metal, the skeleton of truth with which I could rebuild my life; an ultimate sense of innocence emerged, a sacred space where nothing could separate me from our Creator emerged. We are all created to experience this unity if we allow it. It is our Shared Space of Overlap, the part of ourselves we cannot screw up and no one 'else' can screw up, either.

We were created with a clean slate, and it's always been the case that we are innocent. Were it not so, we would not be directed to 'be as little children,' childlike, which is not to be confused with childish. When a scientist has a pure intention set in search of truth, they are expressing that childlike innocence to which I refer. When a person of faith has a pure plan (prayer) in pursuit of truth, they also experience childlike innocence. "The truth shall set you free" was not just for people of faith. Our common denominator is our real starting point; a quote from A Course in Miracles might be helpful: "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God". This same truth exists between all people, offender and victim, republican and democrat, and even between all religions and atheism.

Jean-Paul Sartre, an Atheist Existentialist (I lean to Christian Existentialism), wrote an interesting book, titled, Existentialism and Human Emotions. A great book well worth the read, I might add. One of Sartre's most famous quotes was, "Hell is other people," which I uncomfortably dismissed when I first read it. Then a light bulb appeared over my head, and I realized OTHER people was the crux of the objection I had. If I don't see OTHERS as OTHERS and see them as they truly are, then hell itself disappears. CS Lewis pointed out that "The door to hell is only unlocked from the INSIDE'. Separation Consciousness is a sure version of hell.

What's compelling about Heaven, is that it can align with both science and religion equally. The sun shines on us all. An inspirational quote by Hāfiz about the value of Love: “Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.'

On Joy & Sorrow, Jubran Khalil Jubran (Khalil Gibran)

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. 
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. 
When the reassure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.