This article I am writing in response to a woman who wrote about how A.A. is of questionable value to her and women generally. She tenders that A.A. is a men’s club. So, I’m taking her general contention and counterbalancing it. I am not saying she was or is wrong or right because, indeed, she’s not. Everyone's perspective is valuable to me. I might not agree with someone, but I will stand up and fight for their right to say it.
For me, it’s important to remember that we, to stay sober, quit fighting everything and everybody. I am typical of the Minority Opinion, and here follows no exception.
I got sober in August 1990. It took me about 19-years of self-induced torture (13 ½ years of jails and prison and more years of resentments) to finally acquire total abstinence from my DOC (Drug Of Choice) alcohol to the auspices of A.A.
Yes, I attended and still attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. When I first sobered up, I didn’t merely do the suggested ‘90 meetings in 90 days’, but instead, I attended 1 to 3 meetings a day for 18 months. I decided I needed to take this path rather than treatment, probably because I was too arrogant to follow directions. In A.A., it’s all about free will, making our own decisions, and taking our power back after being honest about powerlessness. I didn’t have a Sponsor, though I tried to have one, my history made my “Temporary Sponsors” very uncomfortable with me, AKA, Judgmental. I used to be racist, which was their most challenging hurdle with me.
But the Fellowship at large was NOT judgmental. I loved that they were not Patriarchal, Matriarchal, minimally Genderist (there were a plethora of Women’s meetings and a few Men’s meetings), or Racist. Sure, you’re wondering why a racist liked a non-racist environment? It was a relief to let my guard down. A.A. was the only place I had ever been that exactly allowed EVERYONE to be who they are. That was why it was welcomed by me. Sure, it took some years to heal from racism, but I did, ODAAT (One Day At A Time).
Back to my roots in A.A.: They didn’t care about what religion or lack thereof I held. They were not exclusive to politics left or right, never cared if I was straight or gay, and they didn’t even care if I was an Ex-con. They also were not out for my body or money. I was indigent, and no one was asking me for sexual favors, directly or indirectly, not that I could tell. My focus on recovery was so strong, I probably wouldn’t have noticed if they were. I sometimes think it takes a sick mind to notice a sick mind.
I didn’t work the steps in any classical sense. It took me about eight years to get honest OUT LOUD about my worst acts which is what happens in a ‘5th Step.’ No one could or wanted to MAKE ME do anything. On my first day in a meeting, I heard a few things that settled my soul: 1) “Take what you like and leave the rest.” 2) The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.” 3) That the critical purpose for A.A. was to help the “still suffering Alcoholic.” Most importantly, I wasn’t “required” to enumerate my character defects and nor forced to work on eliminating them. Instead, I heard that there is ‘One who has all power, that One is God’, which to me, translated into GOD eliminating my character defects. I didn’t buy into the idea that escapism, an oversized ego, and lack of humility were the principal causes of any conscious desire to numb thoughts and feelings with alcohol. The Big Book reads that we ‘were not drinking to escape,’ and indeed, this was true for me. If I was drinking to escape, then it meant I was drinking to escape into hell.
Fortunately, in A.A., there is zero status quo. While sometimes it was mentioned that any given person was not going to stay sober because they were not working the Steps, there was no requirement to ‘work’ the Steps. There is no one to blame in A.A., so 'taking recovery seriously' was always deemed an ‘inside job’ of willingness to go to any lengths. To me, ‘any lengths’ meant being adaptable, 100%. I wasn’t surprised by anything in A.A. Nor was I overly fearful; as a result of my ability for adaptation, I was metaphorically Born Free from my willingness to go to any lengths.
Adaptation is not usually an attribute fueling an Alcoholic’s life, at least not in terms of cooperation. Participation and ‘life on life’s terms’ in and out of A.A. is useful, as we ‘practice these principles in all of our affairs.’ There are many paths to recovery, and A.A. is not the only effective way to stop drinking; however, willingness is indispensable. No brainwashing exists to believe that refuting or even questioning A.A. is proof of or somehow demonstrates one is “in denial.” I was always free to question any of the principles espoused in the A.A. program. One of the things I like best about A.A. is that questioning authority was acceptable.
Being in the minority opinion and not being discriminated against over it is built into the healthy functioning of Alcoholics Anonymous (see the Concepts and Traditions).
The truth is, A.A. became the foundation of global recovery because it is available with everyone in mind. Alcohol doesn't discriminate, nor does A.A. It’s a framework created by Spiritual Guidance in the 1930s through but not “by” upper-middle-class white Protestant males to help people like themselves (hopeless low-bottom drunks who lost everything to drinking) to overcome addiction. Its founders believed the root of alcoholism was not just alcohol itself. The real problem was a ‘thinking problem,’ and that drinking was just a symptom thereof — alcohols’ effect on thinking further contaminated the thinking problem, so abstinence was considered a necessity. A mammoth ego resulting from an entitled sense of unquestioned authority probably could be best described as someone having an unparalleled inferiority complex. The saying is that one is ‘an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.’
A.A. was a miracle for those who, until then, had nowhere to turn for help. It was radical in that it was free, and an ethos of service fueled it. ‘If you wanna keep it, you gotta give it away.’ The inculcation of the atheist’s influence was responsible for the language in the Third Step of Alcoholics Anonymous. Founders voted and decided that the 3rd Step would give preference and precedents to the idea that a person could have a God of their understanding. The Big Book “Chapter to the Agnostic” is, in my opinion, the most spiritual chapter in the entire Big Book.
Sure, it is arguable that A.A. grew out of a fundamentalist Christian organization, the Oxford Group. As a result, it is undergirded by the same belief system that asserts Eve grew from Adam’s rib. But that would be a dismal and prejudicial judgment to immerse oneself in this sort of negativity. In fact, it even sounds like a victim mentality ripe with resentment to even ’go there.’ Taking apart the creation story is not relevant, any more than it’s pertinent to say that Satan was a male. We must hang up the blamethrower mentality entirely and remember that it is a fellowship of equals and nothing less. Resentment is the number one offender and leads more people back to the bottle than any other single problem.
The values baked into its Steps, Traditions, and Concepts continue to shape the way the organization works in an evolutionary sense in that it is continuously reviewed and voted upon as to its application. For historical purposes, the Big Book has kept its cultural language intact, and it does often reflect “Him” concerning God and humans generally being “he.” The Big Book is undoubtedly not the only existing tome to do this. I don’t perceive God has a male or female form by necessity, yet I don’t have a problem with seeing creation as being an extension of God as I understand God. Being made in God’s image is a concept that doesn’t bother me, but I also don’t care if anyone else believes in that are not.
A.A. is not a patriarchal or matriarchal society, and in my opinion, having a men’s group or a women’s group is an outside issue that I believe falls under the “Live and Let Live’ slogan. Any ‘echoes’ of the ways men and women are expected to blame themselves and are encouraged to follow instructions and fall into line in a Patriarchal or Matriarchal society is a victim mentality that will slowly work its way out of the A.A. program as society evolves.
Participants are NOT expected to accept the tenets of A.A. without question. There is a common refrain that the program “works if you work it, and it sucks if you don’t,” but what that means to any given one person is entirely in their own hands. In other words, one is always free to ask questions, and any failure is not anyone’s fault. The 12 Steps include things like 'admitting powerlessness' as the means to getting one’s power back, turning one’s will over to the care of God as one understands God (even if it’s just GOD ‘Good Orderly Direction’) is encouraged. Writing down and cataloging one’s defects of character and saying them out loud to a trusted person to eliminate self-recrimination and grow along spiritual lines, asking God to remove those defects and making direct amends for any wrongdoing except when to do so would injure them or others.
This Program, which was and is designed to break down a sense of entitlement, and made sense to the original members: It reminded them that they were not God and encouraged them to humble themselves, to admit their weaknesses, to shut up and listen. Perhaps these were much-needed messages when it came to the Program’s original intended audience and still holds true today. (Keep in mind, A.A. came about approximately ten years after women’s suffrage, at the height of the eugenics movement and 30 years before the dismantling of Jim Crow, but let’s also bear in mind that where there is a human, there will also be strengths and weaknesses. Racism, genderism, political favoritism, abuse of religion, etc. have been and always will be present as long as there are human beings. But for every act of cruelty, there is an act of peace, Love, and forgiveness to counterbalance it.) Speaking strictly for myself, I believe that God is Love, and Love is the only thing that doesn’t have an opposite. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of money to be made in pandering to victim mentalities of a wide variety, but I hope we can all rise above this temptation.
But today’s women (nor women of any era) have needed to be broken down or told to be quiet, (in or out of A.A.). Such things again are and “outside issue.” Everyone has a right to their Voice, and where someone does not have a Voice, there will I go speaking or writing. Some people chronically worry that any given program that tells us & them to renounce power that we have never had poses the threat of making us sicker. I’ll go back to the idea that it takes a sick mind to notice a sick mind. It takes a healed mind to heal a mind. Hurt people hurt people and healed people heal people. Let’s have the kind of spiritual awareness that notices the good in ourselves and others. This is the grand starting point of every movement for healing.
I came into the awareness that I was an alcoholic. Submitting to ‘rules’ of A.A. (or any other organization) was not what I needed or desired. You’ve probably heard the saying, “You can always tell an alcoholic, you just can’t tell him much!”
The reason I liked A.A. is that they weren’t imposing rules upon me. Instead, I studied a combination of disciplines existing to augment recovery. As I studied the Big Book, I recognized the echoes of many Greek philosophers and world philosophers and even some of the concepts of Buddhism therein. I didn’t see the Big Book as merely an endless dialogue in churchianity’s diatribe. Instead, I focused on developing God-Esteem and Self-Esteem in balance. I used my free agency and conscience as an ever-present energizing agent for evolution. I learned to exercise constant compassion to be "The More Loving One." I utilized self-nurturing and reclamation of the agency I’d given up through the medium of alcoholism and continued to enjoy being happy and free as I trudged the chosen road of happy destiny.
To be sure, A.A. works for many people, and has innumerable lives. I don’t want to see it dismantled or disparaged or to discourage anyone from trying it out — I want more people to recognize A.A. doesn’t pretend it’s everyone’s answer to alcoholism. I think “evidence-based therapies” are today’s fad and will be tomorrow’s learning experience. There are many other evidence-based options available now — from medically assisted treatments (I have worked in several treatment settings to help people through the years) to cognitive behavioral therapy to the emerging use of psychedelics, including psilocybin. I sometimes wonder if Bill Wilson’s use of LSD impacted his spiritual connection to God as he understood God.
The real point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines, and not having a box to think outside of is genuinely liberating. In God’s Economy, nothing is wasted. All roads lead from and to my Higher Power as I understand my Higher Power.
The antidote to my drinking problem was learning it was safe to trust myself through my reliance and relationship with a Higher Power. I thereby developed a sense of ‘confidence without conceit.’ I learned to 'auto-reject' my victim-mentality- ‘humility’ (that so many of us have been conditioned to embrace).
I also turned a critical but not cynical eye on the society that helps keep us sick in the first place. Sure, it's illegal to drive impaired, but bars have parking lots. But does that matter? What do societies' ills have to do with our freedom to be happy, joyous, and free? No one has a right to be an obstacle to a fellow human being getting well, notwithstanding any philosophical discrepancies. Another way of saying this is,” I am more than my mug shot.”
So, as I draw close to my summation, I will say that the antidote to my drinking problem looked nothing like racism, genderism, politics, and religion. Every “ISM” is a toxic resentment. Let's decapitalize 'ISM'S' and avoid the 'isms' like the plague. ‘Ism’s” have, in my perception, acquired NO foothold in terms of who can or cannot find help with alcoholism in or out of A.A.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we can always use what happened to us to help others. Burn it into the consciousness of every human being that we can get well regardless of anyone or anything. A.A. is a We Program, ‘We’ being you, me, and God.
